Spandicks on the Road of Life: Observations of a Bike Commuter

Today I became hardcore. It's cold, it's pouring, and it's dark and gloomy. And I sports fans rode my bike to work. I had enough rain gear on to survive a monsoon, my Day-Glo greenish road crew vest with reflector strips, and so many flashing LEDS that I looked like one of those deep sea fish but I was riding in the cold rain. I may have induced a couple of seizures with all those lights. Those of us who are hardcore are quick to label ourselves as such before anyone can substitute the obvious synonyms of moron, stupid, deranged, etc. Hardcore also implies dangerously stupid so regular people generally avoid us. A guy with a fancy bike rack called to me at a stoplight. First we exchanged one of those bobbing head salutes like you see prairie dogs use. Then, sensing that it was safe, he said, "dude I'm not even that hardcore." UUH! UUH! It became official.

Having ridden my bike to work for 2 years now (so as to be able to eat whatever fat-laden and disgusting thing I like without becoming a perfect sphere) has given me enough experiences to share some of my observations about the general state of American road manners. I have to admit when I first started riding to work I was concerned that bike commuting might be nothing more than an updated version of Frogger, but I have been pleasantly surprised - so far. It is interesting to see how people react when confronted by a gray haired middle-aged guy on his commuter bike ( a Trek Soho UUH! UUH! UUH!). Below are some of the groups of people I have encountered.

Nice people!

Shockingly, this is the overwhelming majority of people I encounter. Many of them smile, wave, nod, or will wait for me to go ahead. I always reciprocate and thank them for whatever small kindness they grant. I consider myself somewhat of a biking ambassador so being polite, courteous and law-abiding is important. I try to follow the laws of the road though I will execute a rolling stop when no one is around so as to continue to enjoy the benefits rather than the liabilities of my considerable inertia. Maybe it's my age but most people are considerate of me on my bike. Middle-aged women seem to make up a disproportionate number of the people in this group but younger men are a surprising second. Perhaps they are saluting an old lion as he passes. Who knows but they tend to nod and acknowledge my presence. Families in station wagon analogs are also pretty well represented in this group - though not SUV's. Bikers of similar age and body shape also seem to fall into this group. Polite bikers also tend to be wearing helmets. Perhaps it's because their narcissism is bounded by enough sense to rebel in other ways than rejecting self-preservation measures.

Multi-taskers

When I become Emperor of the Universe, people will be required to accept the inconvenience of concentrating on their driving rather than viewing their car as a mobile, cafe', salon, saloon, workstation, entertainment center, communication command center, etc.. With the exception of people like the President (and somebody drives him while he does it) very few people need to be in constant contact or are so important that they can't wait until they turn off the ignition to get something done. If I get run over by someone making a sales call or discussing a grocery list I will come back as a very vengeful wraith... If you are going to kill me I demand that it be for real or presumed cause rather than inattentiveness . Most people aren't that good of a driver when they pay attention let alone discussing the critical points of 30 Rock or the Office. Driving is without a doubt the most dangerous task performed by the average person so c-o-n-c-e-n-t-r-a-t-e. Young women, anybody in a BMW, guys in suits and SUV's fall disproportionately into this category. Young people riding bikes without helmets, listening to their ipod, also fall into this group.

Clueless

Many Mercedes and Jag drivers. This group does not appear to need any multi-tasking distractions to ignore anyone else on the road. A fair number of elderly drivers fall into this category as well as they seem to have compromised situational awareness. Enough said.

Angry A-holes

Young men mostly but equal rights has produced a growing crop of young women who also fall into this group. They seem to favor the SUV and the Hummer and get very irritated if they have to wait a nanosecond before they can pass you (way too close of course to show their disgust), followed by the inevitable gunning of the engine to make up for lost time. Another tip off is the baseball cap. Baseball cap and SUV, and I go into threat response mode. They seem very perturbed by people on bikes though you'd think they'd love us because by biking I lessen fuel demand which means they can guzzle gas that much longer in their Tahoe. Some of them give me the eye at first but I have perfected a wonderful Germanic war face of steely coldness combined with just a glint of Charley Manson around they eyes that deters all but the truly insane. It's one of nature's wonderful warning signs and it keeps them in their snug leather seats. Again the young biker without a helmet often falls into this category as well. Strangest are the skateboarders. Some of them will skateboard down major streets during rush hour and get very belligerent when some one takes time to tell them they aren't allowed on the streets. One petulant young fellow I saw was holding up traffic by boarding right in the street. He flipped off anyone who protested. That is until a big dude stopped and popped the crud out of him for same. Ah life's lessons.

But all these pale in comparison to the group I truly loathe!

The Spandicks

Mostly rail-thin white males wearing skin-tight spandex, this group is by far the rudest of the rude. These guys comprise a certain percentage of hardcore riders. They are the ones always protesting how drivers fail to share the road which in their mind of course is staying completely out of their way at all times. They consider bike riding as example of their moral superiority over anyone in a car. They will often play chicken with cars and dare one of their moral inferiors to hit them. Spandicks apparently know very little about the physics of vehicular collisions, nor much about mass and velocity affects.

It's as if they imagine themselves competing in the Tour de' France while riding around town. Spandicks zip along, jump from the sidewalk to the street and back, dart in and out of traffic, ignore any rule that is not immediately convenient, behave rudely even to other biker riders and yell viciously at anyone in a car who they imagine has in some way slighted them - usually by narrowly avoiding smashing them. On two occasions this summer a Spandick passed me on the left less than 8 feet from an intersection and immediately turned directly in front of me to make a right turn. Heaven forbid he have to slow down and turn behind me. I caught up with one at a red light. I think he got the message about not doing that again - e-v-e-r... So please, Spandicks - work on being a little less full of yourself.

Like most things in life biking can be a pleasure as long as everybody just tries to be a little bit civil to one another.