The Path is Revealed: Life's Guiding Principles

Pliny has to admit that sometimes life seems way too hard. Our minds become flooded with distractions and it's easy to lose sight of what we should be doing or from where we should be seeking our answers. But Pliny is here to help. Below is the Path - or I suppose I should say Pathway Protocol. This is an algorithm for life - a lifegorithm if you will. The Tao of Pliny. When confronted with a new experience or observation simply follow the diagram from left to right and find your particular spiritual niche. Once you do, just follow the color coded lines to find either places to seek answers or how best to respond.

The dotted lines represent options (don't worry, unless you are religious there aren't all that many to taunt you) while the solid lines are 'must do's'. Print a copy and keep one by the TV, the radio and the phone for rapid reference; any place where you are in danger of new experiences. Demand that your kids refer to it before asking you any silly questions about evolution, philosophy, or any other challenging topic. Before you know it, you'll have this committed to memory and this being America, you are unlikely to ever have to switch paths.
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Useful clues: If even this seems too complicated, then s-l-o-w down and take a deep breath. Here are a few tricks that will help.

• If you look at the protocol and become really mad, select the red diamond.
• If you get really mad on behalf of some deity, select the orange diamond.
• If you are confused by it all, select the green diamond.
• If you can't find 'the Bible' on the chart select the orange diamond.
• If you believe in ghosts except for the Holy Ghost select the blue diamond.
• If you are certain you are not going to hell select the orange diamond.
• If you watch Fox for its fair and balanced reporting select the red diamond.
• If you are someone who likes to keep their options open select the yellow diamond.
• If you look at the sum total of human history and are amazed we are still here select the violet diamond.
• If you insist on teaching the controversy select the orange diamond.
• If you are a Unitarian select the blue diamond.
• If you try to rationalize the roles of science and religion select the yellow diamond.
• If you submit blog responses completely in all caps select the red diamond.
  

Those to the left of the diagram might want to white out everything after fundi and substitute Satan.
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PathAQ's answers about the answer

1. If I'm a fundamentalist obviously I can't seek answers in science according to the pathway. But can I seek services from science? Of course you can! This is America! Consistency isn't required. Just be sure to seek these services from people who's niche has a wave length below 450 nm - and be sure to never give them credit for a positive outcome.
2. What if I really can't make up my mind? No problem again - just assume the niche of your favorite film, TV or sports star. After all, they're famous and you're not so they must know more than you.
   
3. I think I'm amystic but I read the horoscopes in the newspaper. As long as you don't invest money or make career choices based upon them, no problem - take the violet line.
4. My significant other is in a different niche. What should I do? Bail. relationships outside of one's spectral range are doomed at the quantum level.
5. Being religious seems to be the most flexible and varied experience. It certainly is. Through the wonders of compartmentalization yellow line passengers can avail themselves of most of this worlds bounty depending upon circumstances and social setting.
6. This process seems a bit cookbook to me. Well, unless you are a philosophical epicure of the highest order, aren't you better off using someone else's recipes?
   

Now, admit it - isn't this easier and a load off your mind? In later posts I will add additional protocols covering other topics such as when to eat, sleep and go to the bathroom.
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Have a great weekend all - I will be doing battle against crane fly grubs using my manly yard fork!