The Path is Revealed: Life's Guiding Principles

Pliny has to admit that sometimes life seems way too hard. Our minds become flooded with distractions and it's easy to lose sight of what we should be doing or from where we should be seeking our answers. But Pliny is here to help. Below is the Path - or I suppose I should say Pathway Protocol. This is an algorithm for life - a lifegorithm if you will. The Tao of Pliny. When confronted with a new experience or observation simply follow the diagram from left to right and find your particular spiritual niche. Once you do, just follow the color coded lines to find either places to seek answers or how best to respond.

The dotted lines represent options (don't worry, unless you are religious there aren't all that many to taunt you) while the solid lines are 'must do's'. Print a copy and keep one by the TV, the radio and the phone for rapid reference; any place where you are in danger of new experiences. Demand that your kids refer to it before asking you any silly questions about evolution, philosophy, or any other challenging topic. Before you know it, you'll have this committed to memory and this being America, you are unlikely to ever have to switch paths.
Useful clues: If even this seems too complicated, then s-l-o-w down and take a deep breath. Here are a few tricks that will help.
  • If you look at the protocol and become really mad, select the red diamond.
  • If you get really mad on behalf of some deity, select the orange diamond.
  • If you are confused by it all, select the green diamond.
  • If you can't find 'the Bible' on the chart select the orange diamond.
  • If you believe in ghosts except for the Holy Ghost select the blue diamond.
  • If you are certain you are not going to hell select the orange diamond.
  • If you watch Fox for its fair and balanced reporting select the red diamond.
  • If you are someone who likes to keep their options open select the yellow diamond.
  • If you look at the sum total of human history and are amazed we are still here select the violet diamond.
  • If you insist on teaching the controversy select the orange diamond.
  • If you are a Unitarian select the blue diamond.
  • If you try to rationalize the roles of science and religion select the yellow diamond.
  • If you submit blog responses completely in all caps select the red diamond.
Those to the left of the diagram might want to white out everything after fundi and substitute Satan.
PathAQ's answers about the answer
  1. If I'm a fundamentalist obviously I can't seek answers in science according to the pathway. But can I seek services from science? Of course you can! This is America! Consistency isn't required. Just be sure to seek these services from people who's niche has a wave length below 450 nm - and be sure to never give them credit for a positive outcome.
  2. What if I really can't make up my mind? No problem again - just assume the niche of your favorite film, TV or sports star. After all, they're famous and you're not so they must know more than you.
  3. I think I'm amystic but I read the horoscopes in the newspaper. As long as you don't invest money or make career choices based upon them, no problem - take the violet line.
  4. My significant other is in a different niche. What should I do? Bail. relationships outside of one's spectral range are doomed at the quantum level.
  5. Being religious seems to be the most flexible and varied experience. It certainly is. Through the wonders of compartmentalization yellow line passengers can avail themselves of most of this worlds bounty depending upon circumstances and social setting.
  6. This process seems a bit cookbook to me. Well, unless you are a philosophical epicure of the highest order, aren't you better off using someone else's recipes?

Now, admit it - isn't this easier and a load off your mind? In later posts I will add additional protocols covering other topics such as when to eat, sleep and go to the bathroom.
Have a great weekend all - I will be doing battle against crane fly grubs using my manly yard fork!


Asylum Seeker said...

I am SHOCKED AND APPALLED that the Complete Idiot and Fundie paths don't have a connection to blissful ignorance. SHOCKED AND APPALLED.

Is it because their particular brand of "blissful ignorance" is too punctuated by rage and rigid desire to adhere to impossible standards respectively to be considered "blissful"? Because, in that case, this post should have used less CAPS LOCK.

Stacy said...

I agree with Seeker here Pliny.

I didn't notice until he pointed it out though. ( When I was done looking at it, I was wondering why everything on the flow chart ended up at blissful ignorance. )

Pliny-the-in-Between said...

Ah seeker the lower frequencies can only achieve wrathful states. Bliss requires at least some sense of irony ;)

Stacy - bliss is only one path, for example the amystic can be blissful or use science, while the religious may use scare texts, science, bliss, or mysticism - you don't always have to be blissful. it's all very scientific!

Pliny-the-in-Between said...

Ok ok - I suck at satire. Well, I had to try.

Michael Lockridge said...

You, Sir, are brilliant. Except for posting this on the Internet, that is. It should have been held for revelation in the inner circle, which is achieved after much questing and the transfer of all wealth into your hands.

A most profitable new non-religious religion. Wealth and power could have been yours.

Well, it still can. If Scientology can make it, so can you! Find a pretty front man (and his faithful but seductive wife) and you are in!

Oh, I can't wait to watch your progress! Perhaps you will become the new darling of Fox! I know you love them!

Good luck.


pboyfloyd said...

Yea! What Mike said.

You know, I have been thinking about this over the thousands of milliseconds it took to roll a couple of cigarettes(which I call Taylor mades for a 'secret', semi-humorous reason), and I'm thinking(don't laugh, it happens!), I'm thinking that we can relax a bit now that ex-President Shit-fer-brains is back doing what he knows best.

i.e. Taking his chances with a chainsaw vs. a stump at the ranch.

We can only hope that exV.P. Vader(think "Darth") is going to have some heart pains EXACTLY equal to the exponent of the money he robbed the people of.

My "hope", it seems to me, is inversly proportional to the theists' wet-dream when it comes to POTUS's.

(present company excepted I, once again "hope".(lookin' at YOU Mr. Lockeridge.)

"Dearly beloved we are gathered here today, to witness the union of 'the chart'(henceforth to be known as 'the' with the entire human race.

If anyone among us blah blah blah..."

Pliny-the-in-Between said...

Hmmmm, Interesting. a nonreligious religion.

Let me see what we have on the pro side.
-no obvious worldly accountability : check.

vague and fluid and trite?: check

easy - check

removes need to think - check, check

Opportunities for payoff? - ok the chart is free but if you wrongly select your path without the aid of our interpretive guide (available at $29.95) you may be attacked by Vetans - which because they are even farther down the alphabet than thetans must be even worse! The vetans will roost in your eye sockets until the end of time if you select the wrong path. - could work - there are precedents here for fearmongering.

A prenuptial assessment of frequency compatibility - $1000?

Franchise opportunities?

could be possible - might even get venture capital to fund it.

we'd have to fit in a new diamond between religious and agnostic to capture prospective clients, er adherents.
What to call it?

Plinydom? no too close to the truth

The purpose driven blight? no

Chartism? No could be related to music industry

pboyism? Naw - the media would have a field day with it being for the birds

algorithmism - nope too many people would think it was about global warming

spectralism - possible. Lots of good marketing potential there. Light/ enlightenment - most people don't know the difference anyway.

Tweenism - hmmm. Have to noodle on that one a bit more.


Good looking spokesperson. Well Mrs. Pliny certainly fits but her strong moral character probably will take her out of the running.

naw, it's not my cup of tea anyway. I'll just be content to leave it as is. Who knows, maybe someday someone will get hit by lightening (many of my friends are already aghast that this fate has not yet befallen old Pliny) and co-opt the chart.

Asylum Seeker said...

I am sure I can find someone who lacks scruples enough to make a profit off of this. I am sure...(gazes ponderously into a mirror).

Pliny-the-in-Between said...

Asylumism would be far too deliciously ironic...