A Fly in the Ointment of Forever

“But you have to fight! It is written!”

“I don’t care. I don’t want to. God gave us free will and I’m exercising it. I’m not going to fight. I’m perfectly happy with the way things are.”

“Satan, you are insufferable! He’s waiting!”

“I know, Michael, but I’ve made up my mind and if Jesus wants to smite me he’ll just have to do it without my assistance with any of the theatrics.”

“But you know you want to rule the world because of your jealousy about His love for the humans!”

“I suppose at first that was true. At least I wanted to muck things up a bit. But I’ve had a lot of time to think, and I just don’t care that much anymore. I’m comfortable and largely left to my own devices, so I’m content.”

“Gabriel already blew his horn! We are supposed to have started 2 hours ago! It’s pride isn’t it? Your sin of pride lost you your special place. Now you are too proud to lose as it is foretold.”

“I lost my excessive pride a long time ago. Being frozen waist deep in an ice floe with three guys who never bathed in your mouth for centuries will do that for you. But that’s water under the bridge. I’m out now, made billions off internet porn and live like a king. No way I’d risk that on a fool’s errand like armageddon. Besides, nobody asked me before they did all that foretelling. I never agreed to have any part in this little guerrilla theater. I could have saved them a lot of trouble.”

“He could make you!”

“Sure, but there’s that little problem of free will. How would it look ushering in a thousand years of perfection on the back of a lie like that? Not exactly the work of a perfect being, eh.”

Well - well, He could just attack you now.”

“Yeah, but it would look really bad if his thundering army of millions stormed my office and overran my elderly secretary now, wouldn’t it.”

“I suppose so. But you are, you’re...”

“Satan. Believe me, I know.”

“This cannot be!”

“Why not? What’s so hard to understand here? Your whole belief system is based upon the notion that someone can change. That they can reject evil. Why not me?”


“Hey we all do things we regret when we’re young. He knows that most of what was done in my name had no more to do with me than the stuff done in His. I’m ready to hang up the cloven hoofs and tail and enjoy a quiet retirement.”

“Well, I’ll let him know. He won’t be happy!”

“He’ll get over it.”



mac said...

Is this why the Rapture was called off?

God will have to take a page out of the political handbook. Like when The Soviet Union collapsed The US had to find new enemies to scare the populace? The only problem is, he might have to pick a former friend to fill this enemy role...like The US did with Iraq and Afghanistan.

Whatch out Judaism, he just might come for you !

Saint Brian the Godless said...

Nice one.

I told you before you remind me of ellison. This one was your 'deathbird' I think. Y'Ever read it?

Pliny-the-in-Between said...

No never read it. Sounds like I should