Submitted for you approval: Fiendish Tales from the Obamnion

Yes - it's that time again! Another of Pliny's discoveries from the literary vaults of run amok horror.

Further Tales of the creeping socialism!

by HP Lovecrap 2

Here I sit almost paralyzed with horror amongst the stacks in the library of old Miskotonic Tech. I must write quickly and hide my script amongst the pages of this poignant David Horwitz book where it will be forever safe from the prying eyes of HIS followers. They’ll never find these desperate last scribbles which are my last hope to save mankind from HIS evil clutches. Or at least all the members of our species worth saving. Even more within this book it is also safe from any future and wholly necessary book burning that may be required to purge wrong thinking from our midst. I could hardly be at greater peril if I were spray painting ‘Cthulhu Sucks! on the great doors of the mountains of madness than I am now. On the entry steps my valiant defenders, young Republicans all, are all that stands between me and the tainted hordes spilling out into the night streets like waves of rats at the end of Willard. I can hear the battle raging outside even now.
“You liberals can’t come in here!”

“Dude, what’s your problem? we’ve got papers to research. Get the %$&# out of the way.”

“NEVER! You cannot be allowed to sully these halls!”

“Yes we can.”
ARRRRGH!!! My brethren reel under the force of those words. A veritable taser to the senses, one brave fellow convulses on the steps sliding to the bottom like some trench coat laden slinky with a crew cut. A lifeless husk laid low by a fiendish lexicon. Many are brought to their knees - sort of like the Knights of Kne when confronted with an equally vile word.
“Stop! Don’t say that again, we beg you! Can you not show us the same mercy you would to a lazy bum on the street, an illegal immigrant or, as God does forbid, a gay?”
My poor comrades, no not comrades, I never said comrades! Never would! I’m no commie. I leave that to HIS followers. Fellow patriots, yes that is it. Lovers of America all which must be why we are constantly trying to f.....

“Dude. What the hell are you doing? All we said was ‘yes we can’ come into the library to do some work”.

AAAARRRRGH! Those words! Make the pain stop! For the love of Limbaugh, make it stop!”
They scatter in defeat. No match for Satan’s noir chant. Their ears bleeding. I cannot blame them. Their eyes gush tears like Glenn Beck confronted with, well, anything. (He cannot be blamed for that congenital affliction that positioned his bladder in such close proximity to his eyeballs.) No mere supply side mortal can resist the agony inflicted by those words. I must hurry before they find me. Though the verdant bile rushes to the back of my throat like an algae clogged stream in one of Al Gore’s books, I must continue.

For months we have fought against the insidious and ghastly forces let loose by an unsuspecting popular election that went horribly wrong. Who could have predicted that even DeBolt would fail to save democracy from itself. We who understand have vowed to fight with our last breaths, well actually with other’s last breaths, preferably minorities, because that is how we prefer it, but fight we do in our own way. Democracy has been shaken to its core because so many of the people have chosen unwisely. Democracy only works when our side wins! The party of Lincoln! The last one of ours who passed any civil rights legislation, but we remember and beat that dead horse until noting remains but 4 well polished horseshoes. WE fight their policies and proposals with powerful weapons of righteousness- metaphor, misdirection and misinformation - but it is the only way to stop the evil. Our only hope, and the only hope of the Nation which should do exactly as we say, to survive the creeping socialism. ARG! The thought sticks in my throat like some satanic strawberry milkshake loogie and abject horror threatens to consume what remains of the sanctity of my self-perceived sanity staving off surrender and shoring up my surviving sanguinity.

But I have seen it with my own eyes. I feared my orbs would be blighted with the reading so I furtively glanced at it with the corner of my eye so as to not lose all my sight. First tried reading it in a mirror but the text kept looking like the lyrics of the White Album so I had to just glance. That most dread of texts. No not the Koran or Talmud - or any of the Left Behind series - WORSE! Many think it only a legend but it is terrifyingly real! The Obamnion! To write those words curdles my blood and only by reciting the healing mantra, ‘fair and balanced, fair and balanced’, can my desperate and wrenched soul cling to my weary bones. Each page edge falls off into the black abyss that swallows or taxes men’s souls, or at least a sizable chunk of one’s net income if any of it’s vile prescriptions come to pass. Eating a plate of fried calamari in front of Dagon himself would not put me a greater risk than the mere reading of this abomination. To hold on we need only imagine what Jesus would do - you know, if he renounced everything he said and believed in and turned into his evil twin Skippy. That is our inerrant guide away from the malevolent and miserable maelstrom of miscreancy and malfeasance maintained within this monstrous missive.

I apologize if my story is not linear but the wind was fierce and all my talking points memos were scattered like dried leaves in a wind turbine. Dear reader it is my hope that I do not doom you merely through the relating of what that foul and icky tome contains! What ever you do - do not read it! Save your soul from becoming lunch to he who can trace an unbroken line through Hitler to the Old Ones themselves! Though Cthulhu wasn’t particularly anti-Semitic - he was more egalitarian. Considered ethnic diversity a pleasant way to introduce some variety into his steady diet of souls. DoH! By speaking his name aloud I have no doubt compounded my peril. He may even now be rearing up from his undisclosed location to add me to his catch of the day - or maybe just to accidentally shoot me in the face as I hear is now his way. Focus! Friends, do not fall victim to their retched facts and figures. Be content to shudder at the careful translations that clog your email inbox or which can be safely shared via the healing filter of Fox News. The original is too horrendous for one such as us to read without being consumed by dire insanity! Look too closely and evil will compel you to articulate a proper argument and engage in thoughtful discourse which of course would be surrendering to that same evil. Far better to remain distant and dismissive avoiding discourse while directing distain, distemper, disinformation, diatribe and discord, drinking less of their diatribe than a delirious and dehydrated dromedary until such time as they are driven to despair and the dread diabolical despoiler is dislodged by DeBolt determined Democracy.

Within its pages an insidious plot unfolds. All this reliance on science! Teaching children vile physics which claims that pulling oneself up with your own bootstraps is physically impossible. Not if God gives you a boost you atheist lap dogs and Sam Harris clones! All those dread lies told to the young. They must not be enticed by his apple. Hard work will make them successful! Oh the horror of such lies! Hard work will make their corporate owners successful or at least increase the bounty of their golden parachutes- at least until their job can be outsourced for the benefits of our 401K’s! Fight his facts - spread the word far and wide my friends. And take solace in the knowing that our message will be heard - the only frictionless surface in the universe is bullshit on the Internet.

The death panels! They are real my friends. But it is far worse than you imagined! The dark knowledge threatens to paralyze my pen even now which rattles in my hand like a stale Twizzler in a paint shaker. The fiends have enlisted brain eating zombies to perform the counseling as it is now called. Unsuspecting elderly will be herded into a room and white coat clad zombies will consume their brains like so many Hostess Snowballs. Well, not exactly like Hostess Snowballs because the brains will be fresh and far more flavorful, but you understand my meaning. Oh the cruelty of this cannibalistic cabal of criminally corrupted and barely corporeal cadavers!

Our healthplan is much much more loving and kind. The cold claims them so much more humanely once left on that ice-floe with none of the pain and terror of cranial cannibalism. They drift off to sleep and provide a Polar Bear alternative to all those cute little seal pups everyone adores.

Any that escape this cannibalistic counseling will be captured and ground up by the liberals for Soylent Green. And used not to feed the working man and his family tending our gardens or cleaning our houses off the books without benefits, but to feed homeless beggars who make our daily commute less pleasant. How many accidents have befallen hard working middle managers - caused by having to avert one’s eyes from those who have chosen to be poor! It’s a traffic hazard that could only been conceived in the horrid mind of the most hateful of the Old Ones.

More unholy language drips from the covers of the Obamnion like cheez-wiz from a Philly beefsteak sandwich on a freshly starched white dress shirt. Universal healthcare! The words say it all in the code of liberal doublespeak - universal - universe - extraterrestrial - code word for ALIENS! Illegal ones at that. Yes all those Mexicans who come to steal jobs from Americans who won’t be caught doing them will be covered. Healthcare for the children of the poor! They should be more careful and abstinent instead! Now if they could have kept them indefinitely in their wombs as fetuses we could see defending them, but once they are borne that’s a whole different story. Even infants can be fitted with proper bootstraps...

His plan is to consume everything around him and make everyone bow to his power - no wait sorry - that’s from the Walmartnium, it’s hard to remain focused amongst so many threats. He doesn’t care what anyone thinks and disdains the very notion of democracy - no that’s Cheney. Damn! My mind is being clouded by the close proximity of all this evil text.

This foul litany dares to claim that he is a native of this country! Yes, dear reader, the notion rips at my psyche like a Haliburten contractor before arbitration but we must be strong. What if he was born before we officially liberated those heathen islands from the clutches of those generations of Polynesian settlers constantly partaking of vile sex before marriage on long sandy beaches. Though many claim that such acts sound much better in the telling than in the practice due to the natural and considerable abrasive properties of sand - but I must remain focused and abstinent. Though the abstinent part seems to not be a problem for some reason since I joined the brave defenders. No doubt the coeds are enthralled by the false promise of liberalism. That's the only reason - I was just getting into the music on my iPod and tapping my foot in the restroom at the bus station coming back from that Defense of Marriage rally when that dreadful policeman tried to accost me. Why did that officer hate freedom so? Come to think of it, his name badge did say LeClar - that explains it! But I digress due to the heat of the moment. Fiendish francophile fabricator of fallaciously fecund falsehoods!

Friends do not lament the Hawaiian’s plight! It’s not like they were intelligently designed there in the first place! They were just early illegals squatting on land divinely promised our forefathers. Whose rows of hotels were foreseen and defended from the eastern peril - at least until they got smart and decided it was much easier to just buy the damn island. Focus! My thoughts are jerked hither and fro like a rubber pinata. Where were those Louisiana judges when we needed protection from this unholy spawn? Why did it have to happen in Hawaii? Why not in some place we he could have been properly shunned?

Another vile chapter describes his unholy bailout and Faustian bargain with big business - no wait. I kinda like that part since I have stock I’m trying to unload... Creeping socialism! anything that limits our inalienable right to take profit at any cost. He wants to take away our freedom! Never mind that protesters go to his rallies with slung AR-15’s while Cindy Sheehan was lead away for wearing a loaded T-shirt. Alas I am increasingly adrift in this alarmingly avuncular and all consuming alliterative apostasy. My mind snaps and darkness envelopes me like the straight jacket I used to have to wear before I was all better...


Happy Halloween.....


GearHedEd said...


You need to get laid.

Cthulhu has spoken.

Michael Lockridge said...

You issue heartfelt (and prosy)warning of grave danger, and what do I do?

I laugh. Out loud. Uproariously.

I am so ashamed!

May hoards of strangely clad youths descend on my doorstep this night, and demand from me recompense for my dishonor and disrespect.

Pliny-the-in-Between said...

Well Mike - did you get descended upon by those fiends?

Michael Lockridge said...

In every year past, since moving into this rather out-of-the-way community, we have had NO visitors on Halloween.

This year we had ONE.