Revealed Truth

I had a dream last night and apparently channeled some latent race memories from millions of years before the dawn of man. I don't know what they mean but clearly someone or something felt compelled to force my hand into writing this. It's a good thing that this is only fiction! Any similarities to any real phenomena is purely coincidental and the product of a fever dream.

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L Ron Hubbard's books collected dust in the cupboard,
he couldn't even give them away,
A third rate pulp hack,
far from riches was his track,
the need for a regular job would come any day.

But to him it then occurred,
if vast and easy sums were to be procured,
And apparently of misery there was a dearth,
not filled merely by publishing Battlefield Earth,
Along with the recurrent revenues he would need,
for which there was nothing better than a new creed.

Though they raised no complaints,
much was lifted from the Latter Day Saints,
Why they did not seem to care,
perhaps they realized it was only fair,
With a generous helping of bad scifi,
he was ready to offer answers to the why.

Dianetics was his book,
its rehash by some for wisdom was mistook,
Hollywood lemmings swallowed the hook,
leading their fans to take a look,
Once in, perhaps too embarrassed to ask why,
until Hubbardology had bled them dry.

Seems with thetans are we all crusted ,
If his wild theory could be trusted,
they all arrived on galactic DC-8's,
He'd tell us more after he emptied the collection plates.

All started with the evil Xenu,
millions of years on earth called Teegeeack before we knew,
had deposited thetans in an active crater,
blasting them with H-bombs would come later,
Belt and suspenders one may suppose,
Not sure why lava wasn't enough, but with thetans who knows.

In Xenu's employ did psychiatrists conspire,
To betray the Thetans through a plan the evil one did sire,
The poor old Thetans all fell for their ruse,
which explains some of the behavior of Tom Cruise.

Like fundamentalists killing them wasn't enough,
as tormented souls Xenu kept it rough,
They scattered about in the mist,
understandably quite pissed,
not sure quite what to do,
til someone came along they could cling onto,

And cling, that they did,
the great religions could not rid,
every poor depressed human soul,
the weight of thetans took its toll.

They'd been programmed with all other creeds,
and responsible for planting all of their seeds,
till a misogynist writer discovered,
what no one before had uncovered,
the wall of fire did he survive,
then his bank account began to thrive.

For he had a device,
available for a really hefty price,
that would drive those old thetans away,
or at least go infest some Catholics by the way,
Though a great deal did it cost ya,
when not auditing could be used to strain pasta.

Of course this detail was not told,
til all your money, the faith, had bankrolled,
and feeling very glum,
one may feel it best to remain mum.

Gather enough into your cell,
you might nick enough from them to finally drink from the well.
If the newbies can be duped,
then maybe one's costs could be recouped.

Another creed was hardly needed,
appeals to reason went unheeded,
Antiquity of idea was not to blame,
Anyone could see it was completely lame.

A Great spiritual ponzi scheme,
every con man's wildest dream,
L Ron did not live long enough to know,
how truly large his made up faith would finally grow.

No doubt offended some of his lot,
Mostly those unable to appreciate my bon mot,
But don't look for Pliny with lawyers or to hurl your scatology,
for I'm off trying to found the newly revealed creed of Plinyology...