Thank God I Weren't an Altar Boy!

I dedicate this one to Seeker where ever he may be, for the simple reason that it sounded like something he might have created - or at least found amusing. Stacy would no doubt smack me with a rolled up newspaper , well deserved. Not trying to make light of a horrible series of crimes but I find that satire sometimes get through better than simply being appalled. I'm sick and tired of institutions being unwilling to honestly confront their past. Tired of the victim getting the blame. These institutions need to be skewered as often as we can. Plus I was beaten by the nuns for refusing to wear a dress and be an altar boy.

This lyric is intended to go with the melody of John Denver's "Thank God I'm a Country Boy". Sorry John, but I've butchered more beloved icons than you in pursuit of my craft.

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Well, when my first day of Catholic school was finally through,
Got issued a uniform and a hefty wad of guilt.
Even though they made us go to Mass everyday,
Thank God I weren’t an altar boy!

With some parish priests spelling pray with a capital ‘e’,
Not wearing a white dress turned out to be best for me,
The nasty old nuns may have got mad and beat on me,
But thank God I weren’t an altar boy!

Some are worried that the Pope will see a statue of a Maltese slong,
but he’ll be busy drafting language about how the church did no wrong.
If just seeing one in effigy is really so bad,
Thank God I weren’t an altar boy!

Well I got me a fine wife, and my psyche's untarnished,
Don’t have to sit through trials where monsters get varnished,
My life ain’t been soiled by a hassocked old bugger!
Thank God I weren’t an altar boy!

Going back to the well where it’s the fault of the Jews,
But followers of Abraham never implored priests to fondle boys in pews,
Behind bejeweled gold crosses they harmed many innocent kids,
Thank God I weren’t an altar boy!

Jingling bells while young lads submissively knelt,
Piety obviously not the only emotion perv priests felt,
Violated trust of many a modest and faithful family!
Thank God I weren’t an altar boy!

Round robin transfers when the heat got too much,
A new field of prey that their perversion could touch,
More concerned with collections that the fate of a child,
Thank God I weren’t an altar boy!

Well I got me a fine wife, and my psyche's untarnished,
Don’t have to sit through a trial where monsters get varnished,
My life ain’t been soiled by a hassocked old bugger!
Thank God I weren’t an altar boy!

These kids worked for a succession of Holy See’s,
Wasn't God these pervs wanted those boys to please,
Makes me wish that in a fiery Hell I really believed!
Thank God I weren’t an altar boy!

Many people are amazed that the Pope hasn’t come out strong,
About these pedophile priests lurking amongst his throng,
Muttering about forgiveness is the same old song!
Thank God I weren’t an altar boy!

Seems to me I remember a real important part,
That true contrition was were forgiveness must always start,
But for that to happen the church would have to show heart!
Thank God I weren't an altar boy!

Well I got me a fine wife, and my psyche's untarnished,
Don’t have to sit through a trial where monsters get varnished,
My life ain’t been soiled by a hassocked old bugger!
Thank God I weren’t an altar boy!