2.25.2011

The Ontological Argument: the Mystic Pizza

Imagine the perfect pepperoni pizza. Huge and tasty. Perfect in every way. Infinite in it's crusty goodness. No pizza could be greater or more pure. So, having savory imaginings of this Pie of Ages, one must conclude without doubt that this most perfect of pizzas exists for it must if it is perfect. It must also be accessible because a pie that is not tasted and enjoyed would not be perfect since taste is a huge component of pizzary perfection. It cannot be metaphorical or hypothetical since neither would be perfectly satisfying and to think such a thing is simply foolish.

Don't ask me to explain such an obvious thing to you for without years of philosophy you won't understand. No, because we know that such logic exercises in setting the absolute limits of The Pie that is also related to Pi must result in an actual extant uberpie. By assigning perfection to the pizza construct we ensure that it has slammed into corporeal reality as we have defined perfection as to require existence and accessible tastiness. Now abandon your foolish notions of the fact that those hoping for the existence of the Truly Special Delivery get to arbitrarily define perfection and that this definition need not coincide with anything we know objectively. In fact there is only one way that such an uberpie Kant exist... One must, if logical, faithfully await that knock on the door by the great cosmic pizza delivery man. And of course keep in mind that a perfect pizza would be free...

To argue against this premise means that your are unschooled in the art of logic and lack sufficient education. Still not convinced of the superior logic? You aren't the first. To (greatly) paraphrase Bertrand Russell 'though it seems obviously flawed it's hard to articulate a specific reason why this is a load of crap' - no wait! Maybe we can. Let's imagine a perfect load of crap. No need, what could exceed the ontological argument in that regard...

8 comments:

Michael Lockridge said...

If only the Scholastics had known they were but a stepping stone, paving the way to post-modern cynicism. They would have abandoned their dubious pursuits and sought to create the necessary infrastructure to insure prompt pizza delivery with no greater promise than "delivered in thirty minutes or less, guaranteed."

Jared said...

I must confess, this went to my feed before you were quite finished with it.

I'm upset you took out my favorite part at the end, I was going to prove you wrong by indicating that the individual you referenced does exist, he is known as Richard Cheney and does exist! Also, if Mellow Mushroom delivered, it too would exist.

mac said...

The most damning evidence in this ontological argument?

πr2.
We all know good pie is round !

Pliny-the-in-Between said...

Jared: That was one of the reasons I changed the snarkyness factor of the post toward the pizza. As there are well documented cases of the Supreme Johnson as you mentioned.

Micheal: what isn't solved or made better by a great pie?

Mac - badda boom!

Harry C Pharisee said...

Since he is often lumped in with other Goddy's Kant had objections to the ontological argument. Here's one, I got lazy and went to Wikipedia.

"...Kant argues that if we include existence in the definition of something, then asserting that it exists is a tautology. If we say that existence is part of the definition of God, in other words an analytic judgment, then we are simply repeating ourselves in asserting that God exists. We are not making a synthetic judgment that would add new information about the real existence of God to the purely conceptual definition of God."

Pliny-the-in-Between said...

In fact there is only one way that such an uberpie Kant exist..

Yeah my little pun was a nod to his general distaste with the argument

Harry C Pharisee said...

Once again me equivoco. I interpreted the pun as lumping our little German in with the rest.

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