6.13.2011

Natural Election 2012

Well boys and girls! 2012 is just around the political corner and the Repubs are working hard to win the White House at any cost. So hard that they have no time for other things like real leadership or governance, but that’s not what politics is about. Elections are won by acting like spoiled 2 year olds, preventing anything from being accomplished, then blaming the Dem’s for being ineffectual. Great strategy. Pliny’s Election Central is kicking off our coverage of the campaign too. We did such a great job election night in 2010, that a popular groundswell (detectable by the most sensitive seismic detectors on the planet - if they are 3 feet or so away, at least...) that we are covering the whole campaign this time. What follows is a PEC exclusive! PEC was privileged to have access to a closed republican campaign strategy camp. Normally these things are carefully shielded from the public eye behind 3 feet of lead, because, well you know, governing should always be done in the shadows. And the public should be spared the machinations behind the creation of those sound bites. But this reporter was fortunate to gain access through the fortunate happenstance that one oil company lobbyist got drunk and dropped his invite. Booze money well spent... Stay with PEC throughout the campaign as your main source of information. Our Motto: PEC - where the news is still more truthful than Fox! What follows are just some quick highlights of the event in no particular order.

  • Harold Camping gave the invocation stating that although he personally would not be here for the next election, having raptured this October, he said he would still feel better if a Republican was in the White House for the seven years of the Tribulation since they would not be soft on the AntiChrist like the liberals. Jesus would need every nuke he could get his divine hands on for Armageddon.
  • The promoters of the event got everyone in the spirit of the proceedings by leading the group in a shout out exercise. A promoter would shout out a question and the audience would practice their parroting skills.
Can we agree to providing the most basic health care to all Americans? No we can't!
Can we agree to put our single minded pursuit of winning the next election behind the good of the nation? No we can't!
Can we agree that abortion is not the single most pressing issue faced by America? No we can't!
Can we agree that unrestricted greed is bad for the country? No we can't!
Can we agree that a single individual owning enough personal firepower to defeat the entire Continental army of 1777 might not be what he Founders had in mind? Now we can't!
Can we agree that clean air and water, and uncontaminated soil is a good thing? No we can't!
Can we stop bad mouthing the opposition and concentrate on what we would do differently? No we can't?
Can we tell the truth? No we can't!
  • Former VP Cheney put in a brief appearance.
  • At one point, an outdoor photo shoot of the candidates was disrupted by the weather. The event had to be brought indoors when wind gusts resulted in Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich and several others suffering injuries when Donald Trump's comb over came untethered.
  • The spin machine was brought to full rpms for the event and put to good use. Strategists were invited to submit their challenge and the spindoctor panel would make recommendations. Several strategists were concerned with a report from the National Science Foundation that both Sara Palin and Michelle Bachmann had failed a Turing test. Most remained glad that the many registered independents remained still too lazy to look at their track record and decide that enough really was enough, but were concerned this might not continue. Both issues were turned over to the spin-meisters for proper rotation.
  • Bill O’Reilly and Shawn Hannity were recognized with a special award as the only Fox contributors not running for President.
  • There was a brief altercation when climate change denialists clashed with GOP health care strategists. The health care bloc was lamenting the fact that reductions in ice floes would seriously affect their elder care provisions, when fists began to fly...
  • Poly the Parrot, impressed attendees within the test crowd with her short and concise answers and her uncanny ability to stay on message regardless of questioning. Most found her lack of Ivy League credentials a plus with likely Republican voters. PEC will be following her campaign closely.
  • A short lived commotion occurred when some robed long hair speaking Aramaic attempted to overturn the displays in the lobbyist area, but was quickly manhandled and expelled by the Black Water security detail, who were payed 30 dollars for every arrest.
  • On a related note, the official unveiling of the new “Corporate Jesus” caused quite a stir. The culmination of a effort begun during the Reagan administration and funded in part by the Heritage foundation, this long needed revision was not without its detractors.
  • Although most were pleased with this modern update to the tired old image of Jesus in rags amongst the ancestors of the Democrats, some thought he still looked too ethnic and many wished they could ditch the beard. Nevertheless, it was endorsed by leaders of several big box suburban churches as being just the ticket.
  • Oddly, open carriers were not admitted to the seminar, but instead congregated at a local Starbucks.
  • The break out sessions were extensive and varied but the seminar titled, “I am my brother’s keeper but that stinky poor dude ain’t my brother” was a favorite and seats were hard to come by.
  • Another one, presented by Karl Rove, gave many useful hints at finding an appropriate host.
  • Sara Palin’s, “US History as it should be”, contained many neufacts that astounded her listeners. I for one, had not known that Karl Marx had actually impregnated Barack Obama’s great grandmother during a rally in Nairobi.
  • Another big draw was the seminar on how to avoid vice sting operations in public bathrooms, which was well attended by congressional hopefuls.
  • Focus on the Family sponsored, “Jesus would have lied to win the Presidency”
  • Many digs were taken at Congressman Weiner’s expense and the now famous images of his namesake were prominently displayed on large screens until someone realized that it was having an unfortunate effect on the reverend Hagarty right before his big musical number, “I’m gonna wash that gay right out of my soul".
  • Pure genius was exhibited by the new time saver that is to be beta tested next year. Called the ‘Bills for Bills service’, the expensive middleman is being cut out of key legislation. A special interest need no longer hire an expensive lobbyist to make their case. Now they simply submit the desired bill along with an enclosed check to the RNC, and it goes straight to the appropriate committee. Outsourcing at its finest! No need for staff either - less likely to spill the beans if they aren't there anyway. The contribution is even spelled out by using a convenient calculator on the RNC website. Depending upon how egregious or immoral the need, the higher is the fee. No guess work. The RNC even provides help with messaging. Now Monsanto need no longer worry about convincing the public that industrial waste is a problem - Now it’s a great new way to add needed minerals to our drinking water! Drink enough mercury and you’ll be able to take your own temperature! Everybody rich wins.
  • Harder was coming up with the appropriate sound bite needed for party unity in the tough months ahead. Usually the Repubs are really good at that sort of ear worm clichĂ© but they seemed to have some trouble because of the size of their tent and the presence of the Tea Partyers. Some slogan ideas that were rejected included:
"No ideas are better than socialist ideas!"
"Change we can profit from."
“Guns and Embryo’s need our protection”
“Closeted Gays are A ok!”
"God, Guns and Greed Made America great - let's keep all three!"
  • After 3 days of deliberation, however, they did arrive at a slogan that the strategists felt would unite all of their constituents: "Can somebody in the grand old party make the scary black man go away?"
This is a work of satire. Any perceived similarity to real persons, groups or demon infested organizations is merely coincidental and indicative of the excessive paranoia of the reader. Please seek a lobotomy prior to the next election.

5 comments:

pboyfloyd said...

Good stuff, well done.

Liked Cheney, Jesus and Rove!

mac said...

God, Guns, and Greed, indeed !

Jared said...

The republicans seem to be turning to the 1840's and 50's era California migrants.... there's gold in them there corporations! Also, that seems to be the state of their general knowledge of science and technology. Then,take the tactics of McCarthy, the economic policies of Reagan, and the "holier than thou" mentality of William "Billy Boy" Donohue, then roll them into one, and you get a cookie-cutter Republican presidential hopeful.

I changed my party affiliation to "independent" about five years ago after the failure of the Louisiana Democratic governor to take any action in New Orleans and the sad fact that most Republicans here are nearly all religious ideologues (or at least pretend to be--*cough*Vitter*cough*) or blatant corporate cronies (like some of the things that came to light about Jindal during the BP fiasco).

The three things a Republican could say to win my vote:
1) "Science works, my environmental and social policies will be heavily influenced by peer-reviewed and generally accepted science"
2) "The government should not be in the business of dictating how one can or should use their genitalia or religion of choice aside from 'in one's own home' provided it does not harm anyone else"
3) "Reagan's economic policies didn't work"
4) "Corporations should have effective tax rates at least as high as the average McDonald's employee if they are to be granted 'personhood' status in accordance with Citizens United v. FEC"

Pliny-the-in-Between said...

So in other words, Jared, you'll never vote for a Republican ;)

Jared said...

No, that was how a Republican could get me to vote FOR them, not AGAINST someone else.